1.  Them:  “Is that your bike?”
- while I’m standing there in a padded jacket putting gas in the tank.
1994 Monument Valley (Bluff) cross country trip on my R90S wearing a blue ‘Stich in 110 degree heat.

2. Gas station clerk: “Hey, are you snowmobiling?”

Me: “Yeah, and the snow around here SUCKS!”

3.  Out on a ride on the M50 with the wife and I get the I need to tinkle sign from the back seat. While waiting on the wife I am standing in the parking lot smoking a cig. I noticed a guy looking at the bike and do my best to not make eye contact, but when a kid went by on a Ninja 250 he saw his opening. Mind you he is driving a POS truck of some kind. He wanders over and laughing says “what was that? A 100.” and rolls right into a HD lecture while he is looking over my 800CC jap bike. He asks me how I like it and such and I tell him I like it but might want to get a bigger bike down the road. He responds with “Well, at least its a Harley and that’s all that matters.”
When I told him it was a Suzuki he gave me a dirty look, dropped his cig, and left without a word.

4.  At a Starbucks last week. Early morning, but warming up quick and humid.  I walk in, full attgatt, a woman and her handler have just got their coffees and turn to look at me.
Her: “You going somewhere cold?”
Me:“Nope, somewhere windy”
She looks out the windows to see if the weather has changed since she came in.
Her: “Its not windy out there”
The handler leans over: “He’s on a motorbike”
She replies: “Yeah I get that, but it isn’t windy out there”

I have no answer.

On the road today and I was thinking about the annoying things people say to me when I stop for fuel or a rest.   Here’s a few gems from some friends.

Scenario:  from MK, while stopped at a traffic light.
Guy in a car next me: “VStrom…that’s kind of a weird name for a bike don’t you think? Why don’t you ride a Harley?”
I flip up my helmet and reply while tapping at my ears, “I am sorry, but I am wearing earplugs and I can’t hear the dumbass comments coming out of your mouth.”

The light changed, I flipped my helmet back down and rode off with a smile…

Scenario:  from Beach40 at a gas station

Them: “Triumph? I remember when they went bust. Who makes them now?”

Me: “Triumph.”

Them: “Japanese imitation is it?”

Me: “No. The brand was resurrected and the new factory is in Hinkley, England.”

Them: “So they import their parts from Japan do they?”

Me: “No they manufacture almost everything in house.”

Them: “Yeah but there’s no manufacturing in England anymore, so they get everything from Japan, right?”

Me: “Sure whatever you want. I have to go now.”

Scenario: From Guzz at a Michael’s Arts & Crafts store.

I needed some acrylic paint for a project, went in with helmet in hand, still wearing my adventure jacket. At the check out, the gal asks me
“You ride a motorcycle?”
Me: “Yea… what give it away? The helmet?”
Her: “Well, I wasn’t sure if you were required to wear a helmet for seizures or something.”
Me: “Not yet, but someday.”

When I riding home it hit me, “WTF?!?!?!? Do I look that fucked up now days?!?!?”

Once upon a time in a land not far from here, a motorcyclist on a sport-bike pulled up to a traffic light beside an awaiting Harley Davidson biker.  The biker was big and burly, and was accompanied by a well toned, leather clad, woman passenger.  In a loud and obnoxious vibrato the Harley rider yelled out; “My bike will out run your bike!”  Hardly believing someone would make such an asinine comment the sport-bike rider said “Excuse Me?”  “I said my Harley will outrun your cheap ass rice burner” retorted the man as he revved his finely tuned V-twin.  “Let’s find out”, said the sport-bike rider, “See you at the next light!”

Within seconds the traffic signal turned green and the sport-bike was off leaving the Harley rider standing still.  As the belittled biker finally rolled to the light, his sexy passenger got off the Harley and jumped on the sport-bike and the new couple rode off into the sunset and lived happily ever after.

The End!

1.   Excessively loud pipes (bastards)
   

2.   Brand Snobbery (we all know who I mean)

3.   Inability to trip traffic signals

4.   Fat chicks wearing too little clothing

5.   Hot chicks wearing too much clothing

The famous German cartoonist Holger Aue, has captured the feeling many motorcyclist have regardless of the number of bikes in their garage!

One Christmas in the early 70’s, I received a dazzling Huffy bicycle that continues to rank as one of my favorite presents of all time. This speed demon had a purple metallic-flake frame with shiny chrome fenders, ape hanger handle bars, and a special edition banana seat.  I couldn’t wait to get outside to ride that beast!

Only one problem; that Christmas day there was so much snow and ice covering the landscape that it was impossible to ride.  For seven straight days I woke up, looked out the window and wondered if this would be the day, and for seven straight days the answer was NO!  I was so freakin’ frustrated!

Fast forward some 30 years…

Today I find myself dealing with that same frustration all over again.  Last week I received a 2010 Star street helmet from Bell Helmets.  It has a matte black finish with a white racing stripe down the center.  I also got a pair of Tour Master Response SC Road Boots from RidersDiscount.com that are Steve McQueen cool, but with 18″ of snow covering the ground and more on the way, I have been unable to use any of my nifty stuff.  For seven days I have awakened, looked out the window and wondered if today would be the day, and for seven straight days the answer has been NO!  My frustration is accumulating like the 3 foot snow drift outside my window.

So what’s a guy to do?  How should I deal with all of this pent up frustration?

Perhaps I should…

• double up my meds.
• lay in the snow while wearing my gear and make a snow angel.
• sing happy songs.
• ride the motorcycle carousel at Chuck E. Cheese

My wife suggested I gear up, go to the garage and close all the doors, then start my bike and pretend I am riding for a half hour or how ever long it takes! :)  Any other ideas?

I guess today is an exciting day for women and men a like.  Yep, February 14th, 2010 a day of romance, sweets, and NASCAR!

I can see it now, the wife has dressed up in her newest pair of sweat pants and over sized Homer Simpson tee.   She is looking forward to some fine dining with her man at the Golden Corral Buffet then perhaps a little shopping at the new Super Walmart.

You however, have a very different idea of how this special day will be played out…  Sleep in till 9:00 a.m.  have the little woman whip you up a fancy breakfast of bacon, sausage, biscuits, eggs, grits, and a Bud.  Turn on Fox TV’s pre-race coverage and sit on your fat ass until the checkered flag.  Good times!

Whatever this day has in store for you be it romance or exhaust fumes.  I wish you and your special someone a very happy Valentines Day!

  Like fishing has it’s whoppers such as the “one that got away”, and the outstanding catch which grows in length each time the story is told.  So motorcycling has a few exaggerations, urban legends, or better stated; falsehoods, of it’s own.   Here’s a few…

“I laid it down to avoid crashing.”

“I bought it to save money”.

“They all do that!”

“I ride better when I’m drinking.”

“Honey, this new bike is a bargain.”

“Never been dropped.”

“That will buff right out.”

“Needs a little work.”

“I never get off the throttle in a corner.”

“Hmm, Never did that before.”

“I am leaving this one stock.”

“I can sell it for what I paid for it.”

“You should have plenty of fuel.”

“Meticulously maintained!”

“I don’t need to ask the wife if I can ride this weekend!”

Chance are pretty good Santa will not be stopping by my home this Christmas Eve.  Seems I have been a very naughty lad.  Recently my wife tallied up the money I have spent on speeding and parking violations in 2009, and her calculations show I could easily have payed off the national debt.  This means Santa won’t be stopping by the Slark residence until 2036, a fact that gives my bride a fair amount of displeasure, but one our local Police Department is ecstatic about.  In fact, the Springfield Police are so happy about my 2009 donations, they recently hung a lovely black and white glossy of me in their headquarters.

4 reason the police love me.

1. My ticket revenue purchased them a new fleet of cruisers.
2. They get to play with their radios while coordinating my capture.
3. They have been invited to the Slark family Christmas dinner.
4. They got to turn their sirens on.

I really must try to be better in 2010.

With cold weather predicted for later this week,  I will spend this Sunday preparing my single car garage to receive my wife’s vehicle, and two of my motorcycles.  Five years ago I moved into a home built in 1907, and although the house has more than enough space, the garage it seems, was an afterthought.  For three seasons of the year our tiny garage is crammed full of motorcycles and accessories that go along with them, but winter is another story.  You see, as the cold winds of winter begin to howl, my wife insists her primary car is the one that gets the garage.  So today will be spent trying to make mama happy.  The other bikes will be moved to storage where they will hibernate, and dream of  rides yet to come.  Have a great Sunday!