One Christmas in the early 70’s, I received a dazzling Huffy bicycle that continues to rank as one of my favorite presents of all time. This speed demon had a purple metallic-flake frame with shiny chrome fenders, ape hanger handle bars, and a special edition banana seat.  I couldn’t wait to get outside to ride that beast!

Only one problem; that Christmas day there was so much snow and ice covering the landscape that it was impossible to ride.  For seven straight days I woke up, looked out the window and wondered if this would be the day, and for seven straight days the answer was NO!  I was so freakin’ frustrated!

Fast forward some 30 years…

Today I find myself dealing with that same frustration all over again.  Last week I received a 2010 Star street helmet from Bell Helmets.  It has a matte black finish with a white racing stripe down the center.  I also got a pair of Tour Master Response SC Road Boots from RidersDiscount.com that are Steve McQueen cool, but with 18″ of snow covering the ground and more on the way, I have been unable to use any of my nifty stuff.  For seven days I have awakened, looked out the window and wondered if today would be the day, and for seven straight days the answer has been NO!  My frustration is accumulating like the 3 foot snow drift outside my window.

So what’s a guy to do?  How should I deal with all of this pent up frustration?

Perhaps I should…

• double up my meds.
• lay in the snow while wearing my gear and make a snow angel.
• sing happy songs.
• ride the motorcycle carousel at Chuck E. Cheese

My wife suggested I gear up, go to the garage and close all the doors, then start my bike and pretend I am riding for a half hour or how ever long it takes! :)  Any other ideas?

I guess today is an exciting day for women and men a like.  Yep, February 14th, 2010 a day of romance, sweets, and NASCAR!

I can see it now, the wife has dressed up in her newest pair of sweat pants and over sized Homer Simpson tee.   She is looking forward to some fine dining with her man at the Golden Corral Buffet then perhaps a little shopping at the new Super Walmart.

You however, have a very different idea of how this special day will be played out…  Sleep in till 9:00 a.m.  have the little woman whip you up a fancy breakfast of bacon, sausage, biscuits, eggs, grits, and a Bud.  Turn on Fox TV’s pre-race coverage and sit on your fat ass until the checkered flag.  Good times!

Whatever this day has in store for you be it romance or exhaust fumes.  I wish you and your special someone a very happy Valentines Day!

  Like fishing has it’s whoppers such as the “one that got away”, and the outstanding catch which grows in length each time the story is told.  So motorcycling has a few exaggerations, urban legends, or better stated; falsehoods, of it’s own.   Here’s a few…

“I laid it down to avoid crashing.”

“I bought it to save money”.

“They all do that!”

“I ride better when I’m drinking.”

“Honey, this new bike is a bargain.”

“Never been dropped.”

“That will buff right out.”

“Needs a little work.”

“I never get off the throttle in a corner.”

“Hmm, Never did that before.”

“I am leaving this one stock.”

“I can sell it for what I paid for it.”

“You should have plenty of fuel.”

“Meticulously maintained!”

“I don’t need to ask the wife if I can ride this weekend!”

Chance are pretty good Santa will not be stopping by my home this Christmas Eve.  Seems I have been a very naughty lad.  Recently my wife tallied up the money I have spent on speeding and parking violations in 2009, and her calculations show I could easily have payed off the national debt.  This means Santa won’t be stopping by the Slark residence until 2036, a fact that gives my bride a fair amount of displeasure, but one our local Police Department is ecstatic about.  In fact, the Springfield Police are so happy about my 2009 donations, they recently hung a lovely black and white glossy of me in their headquarters.

4 reason the police love me.

1. My ticket revenue purchased them a new fleet of cruisers.
2. They get to play with their radios while coordinating my capture.
3. They have been invited to the Slark family Christmas dinner.
4. They got to turn their sirens on.

I really must try to be better in 2010.

With cold weather predicted for later this week,  I will spend this Sunday preparing my single car garage to receive my wife’s vehicle, and two of my motorcycles.  Five years ago I moved into a home built in 1907, and although the house has more than enough space, the garage it seems, was an afterthought.  For three seasons of the year our tiny garage is crammed full of motorcycles and accessories that go along with them, but winter is another story.  You see, as the cold winds of winter begin to howl, my wife insists her primary car is the one that gets the garage.  So today will be spent trying to make mama happy.  The other bikes will be moved to storage where they will hibernate, and dream of  rides yet to come.  Have a great Sunday!

Here at KTRSD, I give the Harley riders quite a bit of grief.  I joke about the

• oil leaks
• the Halloweeen outfits
• the herd mentality

Well here’s what a couple of them, OK, all of them think of me.  And you know, I think they got it right this time.

I’m a sticker guy!  No stickers on any of my cars, but several on the RT.  Turns out they are great conversation starters and in a recent case, almost a conversation stopper.  About a week ago while I was waiting at a stop light, a rusty old van with a couple of inbreds rolled up next to me.  By their demeanor I knew this wasn’t going to turn out well.

Good Old Boy:  “I don’t like them stickers on your motorsickle!”

Me:  “I am amazed you can speak, let alone read!  By the way, I really enjoyed you in Deliverance, you are one heck of a banjo picker!

Always believing there is a God, I now know how Moses felt when the Red Sea parted.  For at that very moment the light turned green and I was away in a flash.

Just stopped for fuel and was approached by a guy in his mid twenties…

him:  “What kinda bike is that?”

me:  “BMW R1100RT”

him:  “Didn’t know BMW made bikes”

me:  “Now there’s a surprise”

him:  “Is it fast?”

me:  “110hp, no street bike, but pretty fast.” (start the bike)

him:  “Not very loud!”  “Loud pipes saves lives!”

me:  “What do you ride?”

him:  “Oh, I don’t have a bike.”

me:  “So really you have no idea what your talking about, do you?”  (I pull away.) “Dumbass”

• Years ago I was in a place called Happy Texas, where I had stopped for gas, a small boy wearing a T shirt, shorts, cowboy boots, and a cowboy hat walked up and looked at the bike and said “Vroom Vroom”.
  I got on the bike and started the engine and just revved it a little bit, he smiled from ear to ear and gave me the thumbs up and then he promptly marched back in to the gas station. I rode on the rest of the day confident that I had made his day.  brian
• In her book, “DeeTours”, Dee Gagnon was touring and camping WAY off the road in an unaccessible campground somewhere in the South. She got off the bike in her full face helmet and full leathers and started setting up and 3 generation of family were all open mouth looking at her. No one had the gall to say anything until the smallest kid walked up to her and asked, “Are you a power Ranger?”. She said “no”. He then asked, “Do you know any power Rangers?” the luz
• About 6 mos. ago was gassin’ up. Very unhappy dude at the next pump is filling up his mini-van with 3 or 4 kids packed in it. Kids all
  fussing at mom and being loud.
  Dude looks over at me says ” Wanna Trade?”  rx-tex

• Again and again:
  Them:”You a biker”?
  Me: “No, I’m a motorcycle enthusiast with substance, relationship,authority and psychological issues”.
  Or,
  Them: “You ride your bike today”?
  Me:(in full gear)”No, I work in a day care and the kids don’t mess with me when I dress this way”. section 8

Good Sunday morning to you!  Looks like a beautiful day is in store for us and I have a jam packed schedule.

• Watch MotoGP race at Lemans.
• Watch World Superbike race at Kyalami .
• Finish working in my mother in-laws yard.
• Pick up my digital voice recorder  (Olympus  W321m).
• Summer haircut, a buzz job. (I said buzz job people!)

My wife is trying to talk me into taking her to Bob Evans for breakfast, I told her to get in the kitchen and make me some flapjacks.  The swelling in my eye should go down soon!

• Has anyone noticed the rising price of .380 ammo?

• Harley shirts make me look fat.  Hell, they make everyone look fat!

• Is it wrong to go to a motorcycle race then stay in the Paddock area to check out the chicks?

• Why are all tree trimmers related?

• Would anyone like to buy me the new and improved  190 hp, BMW S1000RR?

• Would anyone like to buy me anything?

• Going to stop waving at other bikers!

• Where’s my book Jack?  No seriously!

• Did I mention I am working a book?

• KTRSD needs a logo.

• Do you think I have had too much coffee?

• Love Arturo Fuentes Cigars!

• I want a goatee like Biker Swag.

Got to go heading to Bob Evans! 

Recently ran across these!

You know you are riding a Goldwing if…

• You keep forgetting where you’re going.
• Your idea of ATGATT is a powder blue Member’s Only jacket, maroon sansabelt slacks and black velcro sneakers.
• You write a letter to Honda suggesting that a glucose monitoring system be added as part of the bike’s computer system.
• Your Medi-lert bracelet keeps getting caught on the clutch lever.
• Trucks get blown off the road by your wind gusts.
• The biker rally that you’re headed to is at the Old Country Buffet.
• The top box are for adult diapers …
• The left turn signal is always on.
• You were recently hijacked by Somalian pirates.
• You hit a moose and walk away.
• Your bike cover is larger than your tent.
• . . . when the kids yell “show us your tits!” your pillion lifts her jacket up no more than 6″ to please them.

and finally…

You have the starter and kill switch rigged to ‘The Clapper’.